Right, put down your cudgels and hear me out. Yes, it's an Audi, and yes, everyone says they're anodyne and understeer like the Queen Mary 2 on an oil slick. But not this one, I promise. This is a really, really good car. And I am not just talking about how it drives; I am talking about the whole package, which was properly engineered from bumper tip to bumper tip. It does look hideous, though - I'll give you that. There are repugnant, acne-ridden pigs that are prettier than the SQ7. But don't be so shallow; beauty is only skin deep.
So what is the case for this effusiveness? Well, because it's built off the 4M version of the Q7 for a start, which, pre-facelift, was one of the best cars you could buy. In 2015, when I first drove one, it astounded me; I genuinely struggled to find anything that it did wrong. The 3.0-litre TDI 272 diesel was smoother than an atomic mirror, and at 70mph you sat inside wondering whether you'd gone deaf. I remember assessing the Q7's NVH during a group test at Millbrook and believing the dB meter had broken. It was dropping out of limits on the setting we normally used to test cars. It was only when I tried the lower setting, which maxed out at 60dB, that I could get a reading and realised I was just travelling the quietest car I'd ever tested. Quieter even than an S-Class.
It rode better than an S-Class, too. If you opted for the air suspension it absorbed everything God and HM Government's underinvestment in our road network could throw at it. Where a Sonderklasse would crash across potholes with that brittle, air-sprung abruptness, the Q7 didn't. Even on 20-inch wheels it glided gently like Jesus over water. I could go on: the engine produced hot-hatch performance but would average more than 35mpg on a run; the interior, which, sure, you could argue was unexciting to look at, was beautifully made from higher-grade materials than anything else in the class (it destroyed a Range Rover on that front). And no, it wasn't anodyne. It handled beautifully considering its size, with a delicate and neutral balance.
I wasn't that excited by the more powerful SQ7 at first. I thought adding stiffer suspension, more power and a heavier V8 would ruin what made the Q7 so exceptional. It didn't ride quite as well - although we're talking fractions and it was on 22-inch wheels - and that thumping lump of V8 diesel was noisier - even without the exhaust activated - but again, only marginally. And the handling balance wasn't ruined, either. That became very apparent when I took it round the outer handling track at Millbrook, where it was phenomenal.
I can't remember what else we had up at the track that day, because the SQ7 wiped the floor with it so demonstratively that I forgot about it immediately. The car we had on test was fitted with rear-wheel steering, a sports differential and 48-volt active anti-rollbars, which made it grip like the shyest child on the first day of school. But more than that was the way you could play with it. The last corner of the outer handling track is a fast entry, tightening right and it's tricky to get the entry speed right. That didn't matter with the SQ7. You could barrel in carrying ridiculous speed and if you started running out of road you simply backed off and it would rotate. Not with alarming, arm-twirling oversteer. Like a Type R it always produced just enough angle, but no more, to see you around safely.
Just to be clear, what I am saying here is this great big, ugly lump of Audi was playful. It steered superbly, too. Okay, there wasn't much perception of the track's surface but you knew what grip you had the moment you turned in. It also kept you informed when, eventually, the forces of understeer did conspire to push it wide. The track at Millbrook is made of concrete and doesn't have kerbs. If you run wide, you just drop of the edge, which is sharp, and it'll rip a tyre if you're lucky, or rip off a wishbone if you're not. As a result, usually you drive it at 90 per cent. But in the SQ7 I was pushing beyond that because I trusted it, implicitly.
In the end it wasn't quite as refined or as cosseting as the regular car, but when you have such a margin in hand over the competition, you can afford to give away a few percentage points here and there. And despite that 4.0-litre, with 435hp, an electric compressor, two turbos and 0-62mph in 4.9 seconds, it still did 33mpg. While sounding properly vee-eighty with the sound pulses generated by its exhaust. Don't forget also it still had acres of space inside - room for seven or five with a huge amount of luggage. It was, and still is, the consummate all-rounder. But it's also still pig-with-acne ugly, which is why I'd suggest a discrete colour like this one. It means people will be less inclined to look up when you breeze past and think you're an idiot for buying a gargoyle on wheels. You won't be an idiot, though, because the SQ7 is a very wise choice indeed.
Specification | Audi SQ7 4.0 TDI quattro
Engine: 3,956cc, V8, twin-turbo diesel
Transmission: 8-speed automatic, four-wheel drive
Power (hp): 435 @ 3,750-5,000rpm
Torque (lb ft): 664 @ 1000-3250rpm
CO2: 199g/km
MPG: 37.2
Recorded mileage: 43,000
Year registered: 2017
Price new: £79,070
Yours for: £48,888
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