Did you see that huge rat they found in Grimsby docks recently? It was as big as a badger.
Our relationship with rats is interesting. In terms of the amount of revulsion and hatred they attract, only fat hairy spiders or Mrs Sheds are in the same ballpark.
This is the good angle...
What's strange about this is that, when it comes to cars, the rat look is all the rage. Even on classic thoroughbreds. In this year's Goodwood Revival car park Shed noticed a wonderfully beaten-up Aston DB5 Volante, a million-pound car these days, and an equally original E-Type. These two old warhorses attracted at least as much attention as all the primped-up show ponies, although in the case of the Aston the attention was mainly coming from disgruntled-looking AMOC blazers hunting for the culprit.
Anyway, to get to the point, ratty cars at the Shed end of life should not be shunned, especially when the only obvious problem seems to be the bonnet, and double especially when underneath that bonnet is a 282hp V8.
First thing to say is that the engine will be the 4.4 M62 V8 rather than the old E32's 4.0 litre M60 with its colander-style Nikasil cylinder blocks.
Next, it's an E39, the 5 Series model that's generally thought to be the best of the lot when you weigh up the whole buying/owning/driving/value proposition.
... this is the not so good one
Regrets? You'll have a few. And, sadly, not too few to mention. But are they enough to put you off buying it? Shed thinks not.
The last 540-powered Shed we featured almost exactly three years ago was a nice Touring in Royal Red. This is a saloon in a mix of Zircon Blue and Mouldering Mauve. Paint problems are not unknown in E39 World.
Still, the fact that our Shed is not a Touring means you should be exempt from the self-levelling air suspension woes of that particular model. You might not escape 5 Series shimmy, though. Solutions for that abound: some vaguely sensible, others more whimsical. Add weights to the insides of the wheels, or to both sides of the wheels; replace warped brake discs or old tyres; fit new wheel spigot rings; replace the upper and lower track control arms; replace the steering box; or, perhaps the most popular fix, chuck on a new set of anti-roll bar bushes and droplinks for around £150.
Electrics are a weak area. Give it a quick go over with a fault reader to see what troubles are being sensed by the car (ABS, ESP and camshaft being just three of the usual suspects). Sensors themselves are expensive to replace. Water pumps, radiators and top hoses fail. Fan blades shear off. Instrument readouts don't. Pixels don't pixellate.
But look what's lurking under the bonnet!
Forget all that. At the end of the day you're looking at a meaty V8-powered E39 with a replacement engine, a long MOT and a short price.
So, moving forward, what are your options?
Fuel consumption is obviously going to be an issue, with high-20s on a gentle cruise dropping to high teens in town, and an overall average somewhere in between that, so you could convert it to LPG and spend a few years getting your installation costs back. Add a rorty pipe to enthunder it into something that sounds like this. Buy a replacement bonnet (vendor quotes £80, but a fast search found plenty of others for less than that). Spend £200 plus on a respray.
Or do nothing. Simply leave the whole thing as it is. Treat the wobble as an early seat massage system and enjoy the view across that rebelliously scabby bonnet as it rises up under the irresistible influence of thrustalicious Munchen power. Savour the superior creak of German leather. Scowl Britishly at the inferior grain of German wood.
As your local ratcatcher or Mr Shed will grimly admit, dealing with big hairy beasts does entail an element of risk. However, there are no known instances of anyone catching bubonic plague from a BMW. Buy and enjoy.
BMW 540i in Biarritz blue registered early 1997. Had a replacement engine from BMW at around 45k miles and has now around 104.5k miles - very low for year. The car has some paint issues on bonnet and top of wings (see pics), but a replacement bonnet could be had for £80 or so from a breakers and a bit of painting in should make it look presentable if an issue. The rest of the car is very tidy for year and has just had new rear tyres fitted. MOT until July 2016, welcome to depreciation-free motoring!
The car was mine for about 2 years, now selling on behalf of my sister who has owned it for the last 6 years. She will be moving abroad for a year or two so is reluctantly letting it go.
Service history as follows:
Oil service Oct 1997; 11,409
Inspection I Mar 1999; 21,164
Oil service May 2000; 30,707
Inspection II June 2001; 38,764
Oil service & micro-filter Dec 2003; 47,688
Inspection I, brake fluid, coolant, micro-filter Oct 2005; 58,834
Oil service, Inspection I & micro-filter Oct 2006; 66,234
Inspection II & micro-filter Oct 2007; 75,740
Oil service Mar 2009; 84,482
Brake fluid & levels check Jan 2010; 89,302
Oil service Nov 2010; 91,671
Inspection II & micro-filter July 2012; 96,431
Brake fluid (no date); 97,062
Oil service (not ticked in box but on invoice) July 2015; 103,485
